How to really listen?

To really listen means that we need to change our viewpoint.

There are two ways of listening. The first focuses on us and means that we’re not really listening. We pretend to listen. We are busy planning what to say next, we comment with our own experiences or try to compete with our even more “miserable” past instead of really listening. We have our own opinion formulated in our heads and we are ready to give advice and offer solutions.

There’s another way of listening, however. This one directs the focus on them. This is a place where we recognize the other person’s emotional state and influence it by showing empathy. We collect information without asking but when we do, we ask meaningful questions. We make interpretations through the other person’s values and understanding, not our own.

To really listen, we only need to be present.

Our common thinking is that when someone opens up to us, we need to have an answer ready, give advice or help them solve their problems in that very moment. However, if we really listen, we free a lot of energy to understanding and collecting information about the big picture. This is much more helpful than the quick fix of offering random advice or telling relatable stories that happened to you in the past.

When we really listen to someone, we may observe that they seem stressed out. We may wonder what they may be feeling right then or what they are not saying. We try to figure out where this emotional response comes from. That’s when we are listening.

We are in their place, not giving advice, just listening.